I want to start off this post by saying that no matter how you choose to feed your child(ren) that your journey is beautiful in it's own and you are making the right decision for you and your child. While I am choosing to share our story with all of you, that does not mean that my story is the right one or the best one. It is my story - beautiful and unique to us.
I am going to start by sharing my journey with Lily. The very first moment Lily was placed on my chest, she took to my breast. She latched beautifully, the nurses were in awe with how easy it was for her. But what they forgot, was how hard it was for me. While at first the experience felt beautiful. It quickly became stressful, painful and exhausting. After day 1 of being in the hospital, we learned that Lily was loosing weight. And we would see that trend progress for a week. It was probably the longest week of my life. While I wanted to be at home nurturing my child and resting, we were stuck in the hospital because Lily wasn't gaining weight. I was pumping and breastfeeding Lily every 2 hours. I was waking her up, undressing her during feeds, wetting her with washcloths whatever I could possibly do to get her to feed. It was the definition of exhaustion. The nurses at the hospital kept reassuring me and pushing me to breastfeed, not once thinking to offer me formula. And to be honest I never thought to ask or advocate for myself and my child. I felt awful, my daughter was loosing weight and I was fearful of what was to come. I had no idea how to handle the situation. Chris was there with me every single day supporting me however he could. However, just like me neither of us knew what to do!
Finally after being in the hospital for 6 days, a lactation consultant came to see us. What I know now, is that it was very late in the game for a lactation consultant to get involved. She gave me lots of tips and tricks, helped me out and then I was sent on my way home. However, what I come to know later was that the first 48 hours are the most important for your breastfeeding journey. The first 48 hours are the most important in setting the tone for your milk production. That is why it was so important that I received that extra help from the lactation consultant within the first 48 hours of being at the hospital. The day before we were discharged from the hospital was when the nurses offered us formula to top Lily up with. It was then that we began to see Lily gain weight. When I was discharged from the hospital I followed up with my family doctor as per routine & Lily was barely gaining weight. I was tracking every feed, every wet diaper, every poop, every moment of her life to make sure that nothing was missed. I was scared, frustrated, exhausted and sad. I had no idea what was best for my baby. Everyone kept telling me to keep going with the breastfeed and topping up. It was so much work. Work that I was ready to do if it meant that my baby was happy and healthy, but she wasn't. I tried my best but then realized the problem wasn't me or Lily. Neither of us were doing anything wrong it was just the way our journey was meant to be. In order to be the best mom possible for my daughter I had to make a decision. After pumping for a month and seeing minimal production I realized that the problem must be that I wasn't producing enough for her. I realized that the best decision was to end our breastfeeding journey. My husband was very supportive in my decision to formula feed Lily. At first I was very sad, it was hard to make this decision as breastfeeding was a special bond I felt I had with Lily that no one else could. However, I also realized that it was tiring me out and I wasn't able to give my daughter or the other aspects of my life 100%. I realized that not only was this decision best for my daughter it was best for ME! It was the first time since getting pregnant that I realized I had to take care of ME to! To this day, Lily is a healthy and happy baby. I have no regrets making the decision that I did to formula feed Lily.
And then I got pregnant with Mason. From the beginning of my pregnancy I was definitely concerned about how our feeding story would go. It is something that I thought about often. Do I try breastfeeding? Do I start with formula from the beginning? Do I do 50/50? Was there medication I could take during my pregnancy to help with my supply? Was there something wrong with me that I can't produce milk for my children? So many questions were flying around in my head. I decided that I wanted to give breastfeeding another try. However, if we got into the same situation with Lily that I was not going to exhaust myself and I was going to formula feed Mason. So the day came Mason was born. Mason was placed on my chest and immediately took to my breast. He latched beautifully from the beginning, just like his sister, however it was quite uncomfortable. It didn't feel as seamless as it did with Lily. However I was ready to give this an honest go! What we learned that day was that Mason was tongue tied. And the more that I breastfed him the more painful it was. My nipples were raw, cracking and I was hurting. But I really wanted to try, I was determined to breastfeed and push past this hurdle. I was in the hospital for 3 days with Mason. I had some amazing nurses who encouraged me but told me that as soon as I asked for formula it would be at my bedside. They came to support me morning, day and night. I strongly believe that they were so supportive because this time around I was not afraid to advocate for myself and my child. I do find that the hospital staff tends to push you towards breastfeeding. However, I think by me being honest right from the moment we walked into the delivery room and onto the ward, that yes I wanted to try breastfeeding again but if my son was loosing weight I wanted formula, that they were supportive of my wishes. During the 3 days in the hospital with Mason I was seeing a similar trend as with Lily. I had minimal supply - I was lucky to pump 40ml total from both breasts and he was loosing weight. Again, it wasn't until the day that I was leaving the hospital, actually about 1 hour before I was discharged that a lactation consultant came to see me. She unfortunately didn't have time to sit down with us. Instead gave me some resources, suggested I rent a pump and book a follow up appointment in her clinic. The nurse sent us home with some formula as I knew that I was not producing enough milk for my son. We came home, I rented a pump that day and we started topping up Mason with formula. I booked an appointment to see the lactation consultant and felt that as soon as I got some extra help that we would be in the clear. I was positive that once Mason's tongue tie was clipped that we would be able to move forward on our feeding journey.
That was not the case. On the positive side Mason started gaining weight once I started topping him up with formula. On the other hand I was pumping very minimal. I was lucky if I could get 40ml from both breasts together. I knew that I was struggling with supply. I met with the lactation consultant and explained my situation. She assessed Mason's tongue tie and felt that was one of the biggest issues that was preventing him from latching properly. She helped me figure out how to get him to latch the best we could until we could have his tongue tie fixed. By the time I drove home from my appointment I got a phone call to book Mason's tongue tie clipping. The next day we were on our way to the dentists office to have the procedure done. Again I felt positive that once we addressed the tongue tie, and helped Mason re-learn how to use his tongue that we would be in the clear. While the positivity helped me mentally it wasn't helping my supply. I noticed an immediate difference after Mason's tongue was clipped in his latch. As soon as the procedure was complete, they took me, Mason and Chris into a private room and they have you breastfeed your child immediately. Mason latched beautifully and I could feel a difference. It wasn't as painful and his latch felt deeper. He had a hard time for a few days figuring out how to use his tongue. But with persistence and some patience we both figured it out. I had 4 more appointments with the lactation consultant within a month. I tried everything. I was taking Fenugreke, Domperidone, pumping 6-8 times a day, feeding Mason through a tube that was rested beside my nipple and into the formula so he was breastfeeding and getting formula at the same time, express feeding - you name it we tried it! I would get so excited when I would wake up in the middle of the night and my shirt was soaked from my breasts leaking. However, that did not last long.
My supply did not increase despite all the efforts both Mason and I made. What I started to notice was Mason getting extremely frustrated when put to the breast -- and it was because he was not getting any milk from me. Instead of it being about feeding, I think it became more about comfort for Mason. While I am all about comforting my child however they need, I felt it was best for our breastfeeding journey to end.
After two months of trying, our breastfeeding story ended. But our journey continued. Was I sad? Yes, I was. However I was also very proud of myself and of Mason. I can say with certainty that I tried everything possible to breastfeed him. I didn't give up, I tried to push pass the hurdles that were thrown our way. I also made it farther in our journey that I did with Lily. Just because I wasn't breastfeeding anymore didn't mean that I was a bad mom, that Mason was unhealthy or that we failed. It just meant that we were choosing what was best for both of us. What I also noticed was that Mason was not upset by the change. Before he would actively try to find my breast when he was hungry, but I noticed that quickly stopped almost as if he was trying to tell me that he was okay with our breastfeeding journey ending. I think my son was trying to tell me that it was okay. That he knew that I would make the best decision for both of us and no matter what he was happy and healthy. I am so blessed that both of my children are happy and healthy kids. I can tell you that Lily at 2 years old is a good eater, she is healthy and we have never had any developmental concerns with her. I am positive that her brother will continue to be on the same path to become a happy and healthy toddler.
What do I hope comes from sharing my story with you? Well I hope that some mom out there can relate to my story. I hope that they can find some hope and encouragement within my story. My wish for you moms out there whether you are struggling with your feeding journey or having huge success that you share your story with others. I strongly believe that it is so important that we support each other in becoming fearless feeders. Encouraging each other to see the beauty in our feeding journey no matter what path it may take us on. To pass no judgement on others and instead recognize the beauty of each unique feeding story. Let's all make a pact today to stand together and be fearless feeders!
I would love if you visited my Instagram page @Camara.Crew and shared your stories on my fearless feeder post! You are also welcome to share your feeding journey in the comments below! Sharing is the best way for us to help each other in our journeys. Just think of the impact that you could make on someone else's life by sharing your experience with them.
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