I've been wanting to write this blog post for awhile now but I felt like in order to do it justice that it was best for me to wait until Mason was over 6 months to write it. Now, by no means am I an expert; or is my experience going to be the same as all parents who have 2 kids. Having kids is a constant learning experience and once you feel like you have the hang of keeping them alive they throw a curve ball at you.
The intention of this blog is to help other's know they aren't alone in their experiences, struggles and successes.
The Beginning
When we came home from the hospital everything was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Mason was a very calm baby which made my life a lot easier! Was I sleep deprived yes, was I overwhelmed HELL YA, but when I really sat down and thought about it, this was exactly how I knew my life should be. What shocked me the most was how patient and understanding Lily was. That was probably because I worked it all up in my head that Lily was going to hate me, that she was going to act out, and resent her brother. But none of that happened (YET!). Lily was so excited for us to come home and all be together. She told everyone about her "baby" (she refused to call him Mason) and wanted to always be by my side. She was my little helper and oh so patient. She was more patient with everything than I was. A lot changed, but I was determined to not let everything change and this is how I did it:
1) Spend time with your other child while the baby sleeps - I did my best to dedicate at least 1 or 2 of Mason's naps to exclusively spend time with Lily. I let her choose the activity and devoted all of my attention to her. Yes there were 100 things that I could have been doing but the laundry and dishes could wait! It was more important for me to spend time with Lily and it helped when I wasn't able to give her all the attention she needed.
2) Include your toddler in tasks - I found it so helpful to include Lily in whatever I was doing. She loved to pick out Mason's clothes, hold his bottle, help me with the dishes etc. Any little task that I could involve her in was huge. It meant that we were still spending quality time together but getting things done. It also helped keep her busy.
3) Prepare easy activities - I bought some easy activities that I knew Lily and I could do in a short amount of time together prior to Mason being born. That way when we had quiet time I could quickly grab an activity for us to do and it was something new and special. There were also lots of activities we already had that we could do; read a book, colour a picture, play with her toys etc. I just found that by having something prepared I wasn't spending a bunch of time trying to figure out what we could do.
4) Don't stress about your toddler spending more time with your spouse - I was so worried that Lily wasn't going to want her Mommy anymore and that daddy would replace me. I quickly realized that was not true. Did Lily spend more time with Chris? Yes. Did their relationship grow? Yes. This was so helpful though. It was nice that she wanted Daddy for things instead of Mommy sometimes because it gave me a break to rest, or to spend some time with Mason. It was also nice to see Lily and Chris' relationship grow. I could see how special that was for Chris and it made my heart so happy.
The Now
Right now the biggest challenge has to be seeing some jealous behaviour from Lily. I am lucky to say that it has taken about 6 months for her to start to exhibit this behaviour but boy is it hard. It really pulls at your heart strings to see one child being jealous of your other getting attention. I am always feeling torn in 100 different directions and that I can't give enough to either of my kids.
Here are somethings that I find helpful now:
1) Get used to new routines - our routines are constantly changing and it is not easy for me or the kids to adapt. However, when our routines do have to change trying to stay positive about it has been very helpful. Don't get me wrong I have my breaking points all the time but I find that when I am positive my kids are too. It is amazing how much they feed off our energy so by working on a new routine together we are all able to adjust better.
3) Plan special activities with your oldest child(ren) - One thing I've found helpful is making sure I plan special time for just Lily and I. This tends to help with the jealous behaviour and makes us both feel better afterwards. I've noticed lately that Lily's been asking for Chris and I to spend time with just her and leave baby at home with Grandma. Listen to your child's cues. It isn't easy to find baby sitters but if you can even if it's only for an hour to spend some time alone with your child it will help. Afterwards Lily always thanks me and tells me how much she had having what we call "girl time". And to be honest, I need it to. I miss the days sometimes when it was just Lily and I. So having that time together her and I is important. Sometimes it is something simple like taking a walk together or colouring at home. Other times it's going out for lunch together, to a playground or one of her programs. Whatever the task no matter how big or small your child will appreciate the time together.
3) Find a program that your kids can do together - It isn't easy but there are programs out there that you can take children of varying ages to. It is great for your kids to spend the time together but it is also good for you! I find it so much easier to go to programming that I can see both of my kids enjoying themselves. It is less work for me because they are both occupied and happy. One of my favourites is @messyplaystudio programming or Mommy & Tot Yoga with @mindfulyogimomma
4) Address behaviour immediately - It is not easy to stay calm in a stressful situation. One of the hardest things I find addressing is when Lily pushes her brother or takes toys away from him to upset him. But I find that addressing the behaviour in the moment is helpful. I loose my cool more times than I'd like to admit and sometimes it is what you have to do to get their attention. But, you have to address their behaviour. Kids are smarter than we think they are and they are usually acting a certain way because they want something from us. Taking that extra time to talk to them (when you've cooled down) is helpful in finding out why they acted the way they did.
While some days are really difficult and I feel like I have no idea what I am doing those moments are rare in comparison to the love that I feel watching Lily and Mason together. While Lily may be getting jealous now because Mason needs more of our help and attention as he is learning new skills - she is always right beside us helping him learn something new or picking him up when he falls down. She truly is the best big sister ever and I can see such an amazing bond between the two of them already. It is so cute listening to them giggle uncontrollably together. As much as I know it will drive me crazy I can't wait until they can gang up on me and see what trouble the two of them get into together.
By no means do I have this whole mom of 2 life figured out but I did share an honest account of our experience. I hope that you do not feel alone in your experience anymore and maybe learned a tip or trick to help you get by the tougher times.
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