I'v ebeen wanting to write this blog for a while but I will be honest, it took some courage to write it. Because, if I am being honest with you when I found out I was pregnant I went into panic mode.
The thoughts that initially went through my head;
- How the hell am I going to take care of 3 kids - I am never going to have any time for myself (selfish right?)
- Will Lily and Mason hate me? - I'm so excited my heart could burst! - What will I do about work?
- How will Chris react? - Lily might get a sister! :)
- OMG I am pregnant again - NO MORE MARGARITAS (Cue the tears)
The list goes on and on! As you can see it was a rollar coaster of emotions that I had no idea how to sort out in my head. I went from excitement, to nervous, to scared to god knows what else in a matter of seconds.
I found out 2 days before Lily's 3rd birthday. I had wondered for about a week if I might be pregnant but I think I was holding off on doing a test because I wasn't ready to face reality yet. I wanted to focus on Lily's birthday and make it extra special and all about her! Mason was also sick at this time so there was an overwhelming amount of activities and emotions. I decided the first thing I needed to do was tell Chris. I knew after spilling the beans to him that I probably wouldn't be the only one panicking because if you haven't guessed yet, this pregnancy was not planned. And him and I could at least sort it out together. So off to figure out how I was going to tell him. Chris is always sending me memes! So I decided I was going to send him a bunch of pregnancy memes see how long it took him to catch on. It wasn't until the next day that it really clicked that I was pregnant with him and that the memes weren't a joke. He was so excited and handled it like a pro. I was shocked and of course then felt guilty about all of the emotions I was feeling.
We waited a bit before we shared with our family. Chris was eager to spill the beans but I needed some time to process before I could talk about it. However, seeing Chris' excitement got me more excited and knowing that my kids were going to be excited about this new adventure made it all the more fun. We knew once we told Lily it wouldn't be a secret for much longer. Some of the things that she started to say really cracked me up and helped kick start my excitement to go through another pregnancy with her. She didn't really understand everything that was happening with Mason, but her understanding this time around is so different! Mason on the other hand has no idea what he is in for. One day when we were at Circus School Lily told me I wasn't allowed to jump on the trampoline with her because it would hurt the baby's head. She also asked me how the baby was going to come out, and why my tummy was getting big? So many questions that are still unraveling but I love sharing in the excitement with her, especially that she now knows she is getting a little sister!
But how am I feeling now?
Well 22 weeks in and I am feeling a lot of the same things that I felt when we initially found out. However, I am feeling much more excitement and enjoying my pregnancy a lot more now. Some days are hard and scary as a fuck because spoiler alert parenting is hard and scary as fuck! But that is okay. And that is why I wanted to write this blog.
I don't want anyone to feel alone in those "negative" feelings that you might be experiencing. In my opinion they aren't negative they are 100% normal! A lot of us are feeling the same things as you. The worst thing we can do to ourselves is blame ourselves and feel guilty for our emotions. We need to embrace them and go through the motions. That is the only way that we are going to be able to get through it, and you have to know that you don't have to get through it alone. I am here and there are so many other moms and parents that I can guarantee are feeling the same as you. Better yet, I bet your spouse is feeling the same way but afraid to say it.
So let's speak out! Let's not just glorify pregnancy and share the good parts. Let's share the ugly, scary and emotional parts too because it is all apart of our story.
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