I am officially closed for baby making purposes. Let me make this clear, I mean growing a baby inside me -- parents can still have fun together right? (LOL!)
All jokes aside Chris and I have decided that we are not having any more kids. And let me tell you while I know in my heart this is 100% the right decision for us and our family, it is still one that I struggle with often.
When I was pregnant with Violet and found out that I had to have a c-section Chris and I both felt that it was easiest if I had my tubes tied at that time. Seeing as I would already be open, it wouldn't prolong my recovery or the procedure it felt like the right time to do it. We knew that Violet was going to be our last baby so there really wasn't any question about it. But I will be honest, I was a bit bitter that Chris didn't have to go through the process of getting "Snipped" because I honestly feel like it is something that the man should have to do after the woman has given birth!
People ask me often if when are we going to have more kids and when I am so blunt and quick to answer that there are no more kiddos in our future I get a lot of different reactions. Some people chuckle because we are so sure about our decision, some people look at me like I'm crazy and have 5 heads because I know I am so sure and some people are offended. I understand that everyone's opinion and situation is different but we have to make the decision that is best for our family regardless of what everyone else may think. A lot of people ask me how I knew when I was ready to not have any more kids -- and honestly, I can't tell you the exact moment. There's a lot of reasons why I felt like our family was complete but the main 2 I would say are;
1) I don't think I could have handled another pregnancy and taken care of 3 kids while pregnant
2) My heart just knew that our family was complete
But like I said even though I know without a doubt we made the right decision there are days where it hits me hard and it makes me sad that I won't get to experience pregnancy, birth, the newborn stage and all those firsts with another child. It makes me want to hold onto every moment even longer with all of our kids but especially Violet because she is our last baby. So while I know we made the right decision I don't think that feeling of wishing to go through it again will ever go away. It is such an amazing and beautiful experience to be pregnant and to birth your child. It is something that no one other than a woman can go through and there's something so empowering about that.
I also think that because I had to have a c-section with Violet I still feel like I was robbed of having another vaginal birth. I really enjoyed the birthing experience (especially with Mason) and I was kind of looking forward to having that intimate birthing experience with Violet. Not that there is anything wrong with a c-section but it was very different than my other birth experiences and having a vaginal birth is something that my heart just really wanted. So I think ending that chapter of my life was hard because it wasn't how I pictured it -- but really what about parenting and the birth experience is really how we pictured it right?
So now that I've shared my story here is my advice for you;
When you are trying to decide if you want to have more kids or not it's not a decision that you and your partner can make over night. It's one that is going to take a lot of exhausting conversations and thinking to come to a conclusion on. And that is okay! It's okay to go back and forth on your decision and to feel unsure. Let yourself feel all those feels! And just know that eventually you and your spouse will come to a decision together that you both feel comfortable about - something will just click and you will feel at peace with the decision that you made. But remember - one day you will see a pregnant woman, or hear a birthing story, or look back at your other children's birthing photos and feel that hint of regret and wonder if you made the right decision. And that is okay too because we are mothers!
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