Well April, I have to say I am happy to see you come and go. This month has been a true testament to my strength, patience and resiliency. I would like to say that this month's been easy, but I can say that as the month went on it did get easier. Here are a few things that I learned this month:
Asking for help does not make you weak - it makes you strong! Asking for help has never been one of my strong suits. I am an independent person who would rather struggle than ask for help. But since having my surgery, unfortunately I was put in a situation where I had no choice but to ask for help and rely on others. Asking for help from some people was easier than others. I would like to say that it got easier but it really didn't. I think it almost got harder because I felt more guilty the more I asked. Even though everyone around me tried to put my mind at ease and offered endless amount of help for some reason every time I took it or asked my gut was filled with guilt and disappointment. When I stopped and thought about why I was feeling this way I think it all came down to me not being a good mom. The hardest part was asking for help with my kids and knowing that I could not be there for them when they needed me. Hearing Mason cry in the room beside me while someone else rocked him to sleep broke my heart. I knew he was safe and okay, but I also knew he needed his mom and I couldn't be there for him in that moment. Letting Lily stay at my parents house for 2 nights because I needed to rest filled my body with guilt. Even though I knew she was having a blast with my parents and brother, I couldn't help but think she was angry at me for not being with her. But why? Why is it so hard as a mother to focus on ourselves, especially when we really need to! I realized that no one but myself was making me feel this way. My kids were okay, it was okay for my house to be dirty, my husband stepped up and took on more of the load around the house and it was okay to ASK FOR HELP! My kids still loved me, they had even more fun when they were with me because they missed me, and we had some much needed quiet time all together! But the biggest thing I learned was that asking for help is okay, and that it does not make you weak, a bad person, or a bad mom! It actually makes you strong!
Self-care and slowing down are so important! I really realized this month how much I needed to slow down. The past few months I have been go go go non stop! Whether it is doing things around my house, getting out with my kids or working on my blog my to-do list is endless! Did I stop doing these things this month? No. But I realized that I need to pace myself. That I need to shut down the computer and forget about the dirty dishes sometimes and just be. Binge watching TV and reading a book in a day is okay - and it is much needed! I realized how much I missed doing these things and how important they are too me.
Positive mind = positive feelings! I realized this month the power of I AM statements. The power of a positive mind for recovery and just making you feel good inside and out. I recently connected with an amazing person, Kelsie Josephs who wrote a Children's Book on I Am Statements (I will be writing a blog soon so stay tuned!). I was able to attend one of her readings and it really got me thinking. I am constantly trying to tell my kids to think positively and say positive things to them. But then I thought, why am I not doing the same for me? Why am I not telling my self how amazing I am, and filling my own cup with positive thoughts. When I sat down and reflected the things that immediately came to my mind were;
I AM EXHAUSTED
I AM NOT A GOOD MOTHER RIGHT NOW
I AM WEAK
I CAN'T DO THIS
Do you see a trend? All negative thoughts. I would never say these things to my kids or want them to hear me say them. So I sat down again and reflected on how I could rephrase those statements;
I am allowed to be exhausted and scared
I am strong enough to get through this
I am a great mom to my children
I am strong!
I am able to do anything I put my mind to!
I am worthy of a break!
All of a sudden I started feeling better. I felt that push and drive I needed. It gave me that kick in the ass to focus on my recovery and to get my mind and body in a positive framework.
I am ready to move onto next month and to start focusing my energy on my recovery. My goal for March is to be out of my air cast (or at least barely needing it) and to be able to drive again! Wish me luck.
Some other great things that happened this month:
- Mason is crawling all over the place. He is so quick now and I can tell he loves having more freedom.
- I was able to get out and attend Lily's circus school once this month. I was able to watch her conquer her fears and learn some new skills. It was amazing to see her growth and watch her shine.
- We celebrated Easter and had so much fun. It was full of some much needed family time and memory making