I cannot believe that February is already upon us. I feel like we just celebrated Christmas and New Years and that we should still be soaking up the month of January.
I mostly want time to slow down because I don't feel like I am anywhere near ready for Violet to make her arrival into this world - but come on, when are we ever really, truly ready to add another baby to our family. I don't think we can ever be fully prepared for that.
Part of me just wants to soak up every moment as a family of four. To enjoy all the time that I get to spend with Lily and Mason before we have to figure out a new normal around here. To be honest, I am fearful of what being a family of 5 will bring us. I hate admitting these things because I always feel so guilty about it. I feel like I should only be feeling happiness and excitement. Or at least that's all I should be talking about. But then I am reminded that I am not the only one feeling this way, and that we need to speak out about the good and the hard feelings we are going through.
Two of my biggest fears that have crept up on me this month are;
1. Chris and I are going to loose ourselves after having another child. I was reminded this month how important it is for Chris and I to have alone time. Whether it is snuggling in bed watching a movie, or going away for an over night mini vacay. It is so important for our relationship to have those moments to reconnect. I'm scared that with a newborn that we are going to loose those moments in the chaos and exhaustion and in turn, loose ourselves. But, I am hopeful that with open communication and scheduling that time with each other no matter how big or small that we can get through anything.
2. I worry about how my relationships will change with Lily and Mason. I can already feel a shift in our relationships probably because they both know that something new is coming their way and it's been hard. I do my best to have one on one time with both of them but how on earth am I going to do that, and take care of a newborn? I am so worried that my kids are going to feel neglected & like they are loosing their mommy. There has been so much change for both Lily and Mason leading up to Violet's arrival, the biggest being Lily and Mason having to share a room. I don't want them to be overwhelmed by it all. Thankfully with Lily is is slightly easier as I am able to explain more to her and she can tell me what she is feeling so we can address it more easily. But with Mason, it is so hard to explain what is happening to him and he doesn't have the words yet to fully tell us how he is feeling. Deep down I know in the end that all of this will work out because I had the same fear when I was pregnant with Mason. And I think we've done a pretty good job adjusting. It's just hard to not let those same fears creep back into my mind again.
What I want to do more of during the month of February is to slow down and savour the moments. I want to spend more time playing on the floor and being silly with Lily & Mason. I want to go on more date nights with my husband and carve our more time just for us. I want to sit in Violet's room by myself and soak up every kick, wiggle, and hiccup I feel and enjoy the end of my pregnancy. I just want to slow down time and remember those small moments in my day that make such a big difference in my heart.