I have decided to try something new! Being reflective is something that I don't find easy to do as I have to be very conscious about it or I often forget. So I have decided that in order to try to be more reflective and mindful of what is going on around me, I am going to write a reflection at the end of each month. By doing this, I am hoping that I can be mindful of what is happening throughout the month so that I can write these reflections. I want to try and share some really deep, special and difficult moments with you. In hopes that maybe you will share some with me, be able to relate on some level and maybe help you in a similar situation.
One thing that was really bothering me was that I was not taking enough time for me and focusing on my own self-care. I have always been the type of person to worry about and put other's first. So my goal for 2019 was to start thinking about me and saying YES to myself, and NO to others. One thing I have always found therapeutic was journalling which is why I started this blog. It is a way for me to be creative and an outlet for my thoughts. I also find it helpful to be reflective. Whenever I get in a situation that bothers me, I am feeling overwhelmed or even have something positive happen I find it helpful to stop and reflect on those moments. By doing so, I am able to really participate in the good or bad of the situation and figure out what maybe I would have done differently, what may be helpful in the future or remember something that was truly beautiful and amazing.
One thing I really realized was how my own stress and anxiety can impact my own actions and the people around me. With my surgery date moving closer and closer as the month went by my anxiety increased by what felt like the hour. I started stressing out about things that I normally wouldn't stress out about. But what I really noticed was that my patience and temper were on a short fuse. Especially with Lily. Now don't get me wrong she was being a bit of a monster this month as she is learning how to be defiant however, my usually calm demeanor was taken over my monster mommy! I was yelling at her, getting extremely frustrated and feeling like I needed to just walk away more than I want to admit. Reflecting on this, my heart is breaking, and tears are streaming down my face because I hate that I allowed something that was bothering me, to impact how I was treating Lily and those around me. It really goes to show how parental anxiety can be displaced on your children. Mason hasn't been himself this month, largely because he's been sick but I am sure some of his behaviour and Lily's can be attributed to my own anxiety. I know when I am not at my best, neither are my children or family. But then when I think about that some more, it puts a lot of pressure on me to be at my best for my family. I have to remember it is okay to have a bad day, to be scared, stressed and even angry. However, when I am having those days I need to lean on the people around me and make sure that I make time for me. That way I can have those quiet moments to reflect, to cry and to let out whatever I am feeling so I am not letting it out on those around me. This all goes back to the importance of self-care and saying YES to yourself.
One thing I learned this month was how beneficial practicing Yoga is for me, and for my kids. Every Friday we get up and go to Yoga class with @mindfulyogimomma and it is something I look forward to every week. Not only because I get to be mindful, work on my yoga skills and do something for me, but because I get to connect with other like-minded momma's. Sometimes I think it is the adult interaction with other women who get what I am feeling that I look forward to more than the yoga. I realized the importance and value of having other women in your tribe that you feel safe and comfortable with to vent and tell your feelings without judgement. I am really sad that I won't get to practice for a little bit but am looking forward to getting back on my mat even if it means sitting and doing some upper body only yoga.
Saying YES to me and my needs is not easy. As I mentioned above I am always putting other people first but what I need to learn to do is say NO. I do say NO often but sometimes that NO isn't heard and I end up caving and giving in. So after reflecting on this month my goal for next month is to say NO more often and stick to it!
What are some of your goals for next month? Have you done any reflecting and want to share?